Couples!
Most couples already know how to talk! The problem is that when something important is happening, our brain is wired to act, not talk coherently! It’s very human!
Maybe you pursue and withdraw! Maybe someone gets loud and someone can’t help but go silent! Someone wants to talk solution but the other just can’t seem to do it! Maybe someone wants more sex (who doesn’t! very human!) and someone can’t find their turn on when there’s even a hint of pressure. All very human! All very hard to talk about!
So let’s stop talking! We’ll start again at some point, but only when we figure out how to talk and stay on the same team. You’re good at it in other areas! I know it! You wouldn’t be a couple if not! Again, it’s when something important (triggering! urgent! threatening! annoying!) is happening that our ability to cooperate falls apart. Very human!
Plus too much talking in couple’s therapy is a drag! Weekly scheduled argument! That you pay for! No fun!
So my invitation is to stop talking and learn how to listen to each other on a deeper, more human level. My job is to coach you on how to pay attention to your body and your partner’s body so that you can pause, breathe, clock when you’re beginning to fight and choose to do something differently.
My approach to couple’s therapy is called Listening Touch and you can read more about it here, but the short version is this: learn how to listen to each other with your bodies (nervous systems!) and the conversation will take care of itself. If you and your partner can learn how to stay on the same team then my promise to you is that you will be able to navigate anything that you come into couple’s therapy with. Betrayal, grief and loss, mismatched sex drives, negotiating nonmonogamy, life changes, parenting, finances, you name it. If you can learn how to talk, then what you talk about won’t be a barrier anymore.
Individual!
Here’s the pitch: if you want a deep, rich, pleasurable life that feels good to live, if you want to really love being alive (and it is your birthright to love being alive! don’t forget!) then your goal should be to learn how to feel deeply. Your experience of life is determined by your capacity to engage with what is happening in front of you and inside you!
Bad news! No one taught you how to feel your feelings! If we don’t know how to feel our feelings then we’re stuck thinking about them! Boo! Hard to get close to people! Hard to feel joy! And if we don’t know how to feel our feelings without drowning in them, we’re stuck being all anxious or depressed! It’s no fun!
Good news! I can teach you! I was taught! Many good therapists and teachers and a father with a tremendous capacity for care, plus a ton (a ton!) of trial and error taught me. Grad school helped too. Now I’m a professional! I’m good at it! And I can offer this whole pitch from my very real experience that the more I feel the more I feel.
Here’s the quick and dirty how:
Identify the problem! You probably already know! If you don’t know how to say it, let me help! I’ve got a lot of words I can teach you for describing what’s wrong (and what’s right!).
Figure out what underlying need is driving the behavior. This part involves slowing! way! down! in session so that we can actually figure out what’s happening under there. Your brain might try to stop us! That’s okay! We call them “Defense Mechanisms” and they’re very human! They’re really good clues, in fact!
Here’s a spoiler! The underlying need is probably left over from a long time ago! Lots to say about this! Short version: you do have an inner child and you do need to meet them! Parts Work!
Science version: certain anatomical bits of our brains form when we’re young! Most of them in fact! Most of our brain is in the same shape (with the same neural connections) that began forming when we were young! Many parts of your brain were built by a five year old! Or a ten year old! Or a fifteen year old! Or by trauma!
The sooner you open to this idea the sooner you feel better!
Meet the underlying need a different way! This is the fun part! If we can actually identify the need and meet it with curiosity and care, then you’ll stop doing the thing! You’ll feel better! Promise! It works! Simple (not easy)! Very human!
If you want to hear more about how, then call me! I have a ton to say about why the specific type of therapy I do works. And it works! For now, I would point you towards Tori Olds, PhD who has taught me much of what I know about how the human brain and body work together to create our experience of consciousness.
You can read more about my theory of change here, or you can just reach out! Let’s talk for twenty and see if I can help.
Me!
I’m Dan! Dan Fox! I’m a therapist in Austin.
I spend my time talking, dancing, swimming, thinking or doing as very little as humanly possible. I think about emotions and relationships a ton, and I know a lot about them! My background is in biopsychology, which means everything I do is rooted in a scientific understanding of what it is to be a human being. I’ve got big feelings, and most of my life has been spent learning what to do with them. Good news! Now I know! Let me teach you! It’s fun over here!
